Pansexuality for Dummies
What does pansexuality mean to you?
Pansexuality makes up a good chunk of my identity. I kind of think of it as one less filter for my brain to process. It’s difficult to put into words what it means to me, I would still say that I’m glad I’m pansexual, and can’t wait to deal with whatever life has in store for me
How was your childhood like?
My childhood was pretty quiet, except for the times I was bullied for being fat. No broken limbs, no causing trouble, decent grades in school. In fact, my mother still takes pride in saying that I was a very well-behaved child. My parents would always stress the importance of studying well and made a lot of sacrifices to get the best opportunities for me and my sister. Guess I grew up to stir up enough trouble to compensate for the peaceful childhood!
Did you always know you were Queer?
For me, realizing that I was pansexual did not happen at any one moment. It was a long, complex journey that started when I was around 12 or 13. I would feel unexplainable guilt for wanting to look at beautiful women in ads on TV and newspapers. The guilt happened because I thought I was only supposed to think that boys are beautiful (curse heteronormativity for teaching this to kids).
At that time, I knew that I was not merely acknowledging their beauty, but also something more than that. Except, I didn’t really know what exactly “something more” meant. I learnt to live with that for a while until I came across the term homosexuality! I felt like my eyes were opened to a whole new world! Now again, I didn’t quite relate to homosexuality as well because I was very confident that I was definitely attracted to boys by then! The wonders of half-baked knowledge!
At this point, I kind of disregarded my attraction to girls and thought I was just a weird straight person. Oh, how wrong I was in thinking that I was straight!’
When did you start exploring your sexuality?
I moved away from home for pursuing my education. Ah! the freedom of living in a hostel! Despite being shackled by gendered curfew, it was still a relief to have some space that was truly personal to me, to not be afraid of someone accidentally coming across my things. It was around that time that I got the chance to explore my sexuality. This was the period when I actually admitted to myself that I could possibly be bisexual. I guess it took me a while to even come out to myself first!
When did you realize you were Pansexual?
I was actively reading up on the LGBT+ community, and that’s when I slowly realized that the nature of my attraction towards others would be classified as pansexuality rather than bisexuality. It still took me a long time to feel comfortable talking about my sexuality with anyone. I didn’t really gather the courage to come out though. I just made subtle hints and lame jokes until someone asked questions and then I’d assert that I was indeed pansexual. Coming out to my sister was easy enough – she doesn’t care more than necessary about others’ personal lives. And I am extremely lucky to have had supportive, understanding friends. So far, so good!
I was actively reading up on the LGBT+ community, and that’s when I slowly realized that the nature of my attraction towards others would be classified as pansexuality rather than bisexuality.
How would you explain pansexuality to a layman?
To someone familiar with bisexuality already, the comparison that pansexual attraction is independent of the other person’s gender identity while bisexuality is dependent is usually sufficient. If not, I tell them that it is an attraction towards other people regardless of their gender identity. I haven’t gotten any follow-up questions beyond that so far.
Pansexual attraction is independent of the other person’s gender identity
When did you decide to come out to your parents?
Once I graduated, I moved to Mumbai for work. And that’s when I started seriously thinking about how I could talk about my sexuality to my family. My previous conversations with my parents regarding my personal space, specifically marriage, had just left me scared. I did not know how they would react, I had no clue what to expect!
How did you come out to your parents and how did they react?
Eventually, my mother figured out that I belong to the LGBT+ community. Not that I tried to hide it from her, I was pretty much announcing all over social media that I was a queer person. Anyway, she asked me about it and I ended up giving her a gender vs. sexuality crash course while explaining how I was pansexual. She made me really proud that day by not asking any homophobic or transphobic questions. I now feel much more confident in having conversations about my future with both her and my father, though my father and I haven’t really gotten around to discussing my sexuality yet. I’m not particularly looking forward to that conversation either, but I have my fingers crossed.
Eventually, my mother figured out that I belong to the LGBT+ community. Not that I tried to hide it from her, I was pretty much announcing all over social media that I was a queer person.
What is the opinion of your family and friends towards pansexuality?
I feel extremely lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends and family, and I wish that the situation can be similar for everyone. Unfortunately, not everybody is the same. Biphobia, combined with misogyny, is a deadly combination that I wish nobody has to ever face. Overt objectification and disregard for your personal space and your consent, especially sexually, are quite common and can be frustrating. Luckily for me, I’ve been able to cut out such people from my life with minimal consequences, though I wish I could’ve pursued legal recourse against some of them as well.
I feel extremely lucky to have such understanding and supportive friends and family, and I wish that the situation can be similar for everyone.
One thing that you have observed about women belonging to the queer community?
Being in the LGBT+ community, one thing that I’ve noticed is the lack of women in LGBT+ spaces. Online, or offline, there are very few women who are out and active in such spaces. I wish this situation changes.
What would be your message for people of the queer community who are still in the closet?
To those of you who are still in the closet, I’d like to say that there is hope. People are willing to listen, learn, and accept. Don’t give up on your family without giving them a chance first. However, also try and push as much as you can to be self-sufficient and independent. Prioritize your personal interests and try to have some kind of a safety net just in case. In the end, there is someplace where you will be completely accepted. It’s just a matter of time before you find that place. You are and will be loved for just who you are.
To those of you who are still in the closet, I’d like to say that there is hope.
What would you tell individuals who identify as pansexual
I want to tell other pansexual individuals out there that there’s a lot of beauty to life beyond the struggles. For every ignorant person you encounter, there’s someone who will love and respect you unconditionally. Just try and get through the tough times, and you will find a helpful hand reach out to you just when you feel like you’re at the lowest point.
For every ignorant person you encounter, there’s someone who will love and respect you unconditionally.
To know more about Sujitha you can follow her on @sujithski