Accepting One
Ankit Andurlekar is a 24 year old proud and out gay man. He is a marketing and communications manager for an online aggregator of real estate brands and currently lives with his partner in the eastern suburbs of Mumbai. Ankit’s entire life changed after he came out to his parents. The transformation from being an introvert closeted individual to an out and proud gay man has been quick and remarkable. This is his story, the story of the accepting one.
How was your childhood?
My childhood was in a Catholic school, a school where homosexuality was considered a sin. I remember as a child I would think about fasting and bribing God so that God can change the way I am. I knew I was different but I did not want to accept my sexuality back then.
My parents had moved from a small village to Mumbai when they were in their teens and I was apprehensive if they would ever understand. Also, my elder brother is partially handicapped since birth. I did not want to add the burden of me being gay on my parents. We were and still are a typical middle-class family and have lived our lives in a small house. My parents have never thought about anything else apart from their children and their work.
My elder brother is partially handicapped since birth and I did not want to add the burden of me being gay on my parents.
When did you accept internally that you were gay?
The journey of being the accepting one has been really difficult with a lot of ups and downs. I think it was back in college when I came to teams with my sexuality. It was exhausted living a life of denial and I told myself its okay to be gay, I am not a sinner.
I told myself its okay to be gay, I am not a sinner.
What did you do next?
I came out to a friend while I was in college. I was planning to start a startup with him. There was an internal urge that wanted me to tell him about my sexuality. I told him I was gay over drinks at a bar. To my disappointment, he said, ‘let’s drop the startup plan’. I felt shattered. He later explained, he was sure that my parents will not be able to accept me and hence I should move to another country which is LGBT friendly. Though I get his point now, back then all I inferred from our conversation was, he does not want to work with me because I am gay and its awkward for him. After this incident, I was very conscious about coming out to people. Little did I know that life had better plans for me.
I was very conscious about coming out to people.
How was your dating life?
I had met a few discreet individuals in the past but there was nothing romantic about those meets. You see, I am a Bollywood buff and I imagined my life to be like a movie which never happened. For 23 years of my life, I was convinced I will never find love and would end up alone.
For 23 years of my life, I was convinced I will never find love and would end up alone.
How did you come out to your parents?
I have been dating my partner for more than a year now. I remember during June 2017, my bother and my parents had seen some of my messages with my partner on my phone. For a while, no one talked about it. It was like a white elephant in the room. Soon the confrontation happened and my mom burst into tears. She narrated all the struggles she faced as a parent while raising me and my brother. There was a point where she begged me to tell her I was not gay. My dad, on the other hand, said it’s better I get married now as this is just a phase. Life after that day at home had become very difficult. My parents would keep having emotional breakdowns and I kept feeling like I have disappointed them.
My parents would keep having emotional breakdowns and I kept feeling like I have disappointed them.
How did things at home Improve?
It improved with patience and persistence. Since childhood, I have been fighting with myself and bullies who did not approve me. I had lied to myself constantly and moulded myself into something I was not. The truth of the moment was that I loved my partner, I loved myself and I envisioned a happy life for both of us. This was my truth and I wanted my parents to understand the same. It was never a choice between my parents and my sexual orientation. It was actually a quest to be the accepting one and to make my parents accept me.
After a few months, I collected my thoughts and told my parents that these emotional outbursts are making things difficult for everyone. It was then I decided to move out and give my parents time to accept me. I moved in with my partner. While I was away, I still called them regularly and visited them on weekends. Also, in all this hustle my aunt helped me in counselling my parents as well. After a lot of efforts, my parents have now accepted me and my partner and treat him as their own son.
It was never a choice between my parents and my sexual orientation. It was actually a quest to be the accepting one and to make my parents accept me.
Do you remember a fond memory of your parents when you came out to them?
My parents had come to see me off when I moved in with my partner. Breaking the ice was challenging but soon my parents started interacting with my partner. While they were leaving they hugged me and called my boyfriend to join in. We had a group hug. My dad also told my partner, please take care of my son he means a lot to us.
My parents had come to see me off when I moved in with my partner.
How is life right now?
I am living a dream right now! I have moved in with my partner. My parents have accepted me and also love my partner as much as they love me. My partners family have also accepted me wholeheartedly. I have a wonderful job where even my boss is supportive towards the queer community. It’s just perfect!
If you were to give a advice to individuals of the LGBT community, what would it be?
Gay, Lesbian or who-so-ever you identify yourself as you are awe-inspiring. Don’t let anyone else affect your awesomeness. Keep shining bright!
One message for homophobes and bullies you have come across
Homosexuality is not unnatural. What’s unnatural is homophobia! it’s unnatural to look down on others just because you are not able to understand them. The world is becoming more accommodating and accepting. It’s time you educate yourself and be the accepting one.
Homosexuality is not unnatural. What’s unnatural is homophobia!
To know more about Ankit, follow him on @aandurlekar