Polyamorous Love
Divyaroop is a 25-year-old polyamorous gay individual who currently resides in Mumbai. Born in Ranchi, he has lived a large part of his life in Shimla. He currently resides in Mumbai and works in the customer care department. Divyaroop prefers the name Divya, a gender-neutral name that helps him break gender stereotypes. He Sings, he writes, he loves makeup and is extremely fun to be around. I have known Divya for a very long time, since the time he came out to his parents. It was recently Divya and I had a conversation about polyamorous love that made me think how we as a society fail to accept uniqueness. This is his story of being true to himself and to people around him.
Do you identify yourself as polyamorous and what does polyamory mean to you?
I most certainly do. According to me, polyamory is when one loves many people at the same time. Now, I’m talking about the real love and not the love you find at night and forget about it next morning.
How is polyamory different from polygamy or polyandry?
Polyamory talks about love with multiple people. It is not gender-specific and does not talk about a legal bond between the two genders. It isn’t one for many but many for many. Whereas, polygamy is one man marrying many women (for example, Lord Krishna and his gopis) and polyandry is one woman marrying many men (for example, Draupadi and her five Pandava husbands).
Polyamory talks about love with multiple people.
Is polyamory a western concept?
Love is never a Western, Eastern, Northern or Southern concept. Love has existed everywhere and in every form. If one person can fall in love with multiple people at the same time, so can one of his/her/zer partner. Polyamory is not a concept of marriage. It is a concept of love.
Polyamory is not a concept of marriage. It is a concept of love.
When did you realise you were polyamorous and have you been a polyamorous relationship?
Quite a while back. More than 4 years ago, I was dating two guys and both of them knew that I was dating both of them. We could’ve worked it out but we were very immature back then and we had a lot to deal with in our lives.
Was internal acceptance of being homosexual and polyamorous difficult?
The acceptance of being gay was difficult because that was the first big step I had to take. After I came out of the closet, it became easy to accept everything that I felt inside my heart. I’ve never lied about my feelings or love in general. However, this one lie, I was living with since childhood was one big burden I was carrying all along. Half of my childhood, I had almost believed in that lie. I remember each and every guy since childhood I’ve had a crush on but I don’t remember any girl. Funny thing was, I hardly ever spoke to those guys. Yet I was forcing myself to believe that I’m like every other guy. However, once I came out, it felt like that lie had made me a weaker person and now that I’m out I feel I have become stronger. Ever since then, I knew accepting the reality and accepting the truth makes me stronger. Hence, when I understood that I’m polyamorous, it was easy for me to accept that.
Once I came out, it felt like that lie had made me a weaker person and now that I’m out I feel I have become stronger.
What is the most challenging aspect of a polyamorous relationship?
The most challenging part of a polyamorous relationship, according to me, would be, to balance the social, family and work life. These days, to balance time between our work and our partner in itself is so difficult. We hardly get enough time to spend with our partner let alone time for ourselves. This difficulty would multiply with the increase in the number of partners. The world is in chaos and no one has enough time to spend with one person they love. How difficult would it become if you have to invest time in more than one person.
The most challenging part of a polyamorous relationship, according to me, would be, to balance the social, family and work life.
Do you think polyamorous relationships can be long-term?
If love can be long-term, then yes polyamorous relationships can also be long-term. As I said, this is based on true love, not a compulsion or obligation. If two or more people can love each other for a long-term, why not?
Have people judged you for being polyamorous? How have you dealt with such situations?
I have been judged on numerous occasions. Sometimes the people I love have judged me. One time, I remember, one of my partners said, ‘your love doesn’t have any value. You say that to everyone’. Whenever someone says anything about me being polyamorous, I never respond. Some people joke about it and I would laugh along with them. The partner who told me that my love has no value, still knows that I still love him but ever since then, we never got back together. Probably, I never wanted to go back. I never wanted him to feel that he is just another guy for me but I cannot tell a lie to keep him happy temporarily.
One time, I remember, one of my partners said, ‘your love doesn’t have any value. You say that everyone’.
A advise you would like to give individuals who identify as polyamorous.
What you feel inside isn’t wrong. You don’t have to save only one out of two when you see two of your loved ones drowning. You can die saving both. At least you three would either live together or die together but will be together until the end. Also, if you really love someone, learn to let go of them if they want to move out. You don’t own them.
If you really love someone, learn to let go of them if they want to move out. You don’t own them.
To know more about Divyaroop follow him on @hoemoticon